What has been 'bugging' (apt.) me this week is 'I'm an Obsolete Figment of your Memory from the Past and I have since gone mad, mad from the heady days of my celebrity of hence. Please watch me do fuck all for weeks on end and eat bugs in the jungle and Then, if you'd be so kind Get Me Out Of Here so I can marry a "co-star" and dominate the tabloid press and then cover a Disney song.' Then press your red button.
"REALITY TV KILLED THE SITCOM STAR."
Which it undoubtedly did. No channel wants to fund any sitcoms anymore because they're already guaranteed money from audiences who, under no uncertainty, WILL watch Big Brother and all it's sister shows on E4, More4, E4+1, B4+72, 4play, Cam4, G4, 4Teen...
And Reality involves the absolute minimum of work; no writers etc.. so they cost less to make but bring in heaps more money. Which is why great shows like Green Wing are dwarved viewing-figure-wise and subsequently dropped because, like Channel 4 said; "Not pulling enough and are not worth in making further series."
So, I have to say I feel that anyone who watches any of that mince is a hypocrite to call themselves a serious fan of any sitcom. And the people who want more than one series "really badly" and still 'switch over to ITV2' or 'press the red button' are even worse.
It's always going to be that way; a great show comes along and it'll last a series. If that.
And it's because of you idiots watching the shite. You sold out, and now you're condemning us to a future of lazy, monotonous, money-hungry, 'interactive', manipulating, bully-culture tripe.
Soon there won't be any actors or anyone for you to 'admire' for tv, let alone writers...
Think about it, viewing public. Yes, that's you.
What sparked me off on this rant was a sort of throwaway comment in a certain women's magazine (More) which happened to be sitting in the bathroom at the time of my visit.
The Nation's 'much-loved' reject of that 'parasite of sanity', 'Big Brother' - Nikki (of shagging the winner with that inane stutter fame) has her own column. I figured I'd read it because it was there and I knew I'd get something out of it to rant about.The Column read thusly:
"I'm sick of people slagging off Jordan. She's a great mum, wife and role model. I hope her and lovely Peter are together forever and have lots more gorgeous babies. If I had half the success of Jordan I'd be over the moon - she's my idol."
Nikki: Essex-Based Confucius.
Now. I see many problems with above commentage. Firstly; this is coming from the girl who dominated the tabloids for a good few months of our lives, wearing things like bunny girl costumes and whining and whinging like a fucking petulant, spoiled child. Lets get this straight; I do not like this girl. I would like to stick drawing pins in her pupils. Christ, she'd make me want to stick pins in my own eyes and drink camel piss if I didn't have such a feeling of self worth and intelligence when I look at her.
Anyway, back to her comments; lets start from the beginning and take it apart, bit by bit.
"She's a great mum, wife and role model." - Words fucking fail me. Jordan's an obsessive for plastic surgery and wants MORE to make herself 'feel better'. She's got her tits out all over the shop. She met her husband in the jungle on 'I'm a Twat, Love Me, Britain!' Her children are by Dwight Yorke and Peter Andre. I'll go to hell if I say anymore on that account. But I will say this; one of them looks like a gorilla. That is, the children. Not...well. I see your point.
"I hope her and lovely Peter are together forever and have lots more gorgeous babies." - Firstly; 'Lovely Peter' is not the phrase I instantly adhere to Andre's image. 'Fucking annoying Peter with more pecs than Brain Cells' is probably more apt. And 'Gorgeous Babies'?! Well - she did fall in 'reality tv luff' with the punk-wannabe-and-offensively-unpleasant-on-the-eyes tourette's sufferer.* I suppose gorillas are cute to some folk.
"If I had half the success of Jordan I'd be over the moon." - You mean, if you had half her cup size? That seems to be her fame. All in one wonderbra.
*Not that I'm shallow. He's a fucking idiot aswell.
5 comments:
Cor. Good vitriol. I'm with you. It pisses me off how discussing the 'success' of a woman has include assessment of her attractiveness or competence at traditional roles - Jordan's 'a great mum and wife' and her success is entirely built on her breasts. How about her alleged good business sense (admittedly largely to do with pimping herself out utterly while she still can cos once a woman gets to a certain age noone wants to effing know)?
How does Nikki know she's a great mum and wife anyway? Is there some kind of fly-on-the-wall show in the darkest recesses of the Men & Motors channel?! I really am trying to heed Bill Hicks' advice on stuff like this lately cos I'll be frothing at the mouth all day otherwise - it's a piece of shit, walk away...
That's a good point I missed making, actually... Women are gauged on attractiveness and how good they are at 'making and raising'...until a tit starts sagging (HOWDAREIT!) and then noone gives a shit.
And some of the darkest recesses of Men and Motors are genuinely quite frightening.
The darkest recesses of ITV and channel 5 are bad enough - gets to about 1am and all those ads for sex chat lines come on, with busty Suzie who lives just round the corner and is gagging for it from the kind of loser who gets off on the 80's-metal-video-soft-porn in the ads and is perfectly happy to have a wank while talking to a bored housewife on £10 an hour and who is probably doing the ironing while she's talking.
A colleague of mine used to work on such phone lines and she assures me housework is always being done while these chaps are getting their rocks off. She now works for NHS Direct - clearly her experience stood her in good stead...
"Nikki: Essex Based Confucius"
Made me laugh.
Clearly it's past my bedtime.
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