Bugs of the Week...

Well, ants. Ants are quite cool. But that's not the type of bugs I'm on about.

What has been 'bugging' (apt.) me this week is 'I'm an Obsolete Figment of your Memory from the Past and I have since gone mad, mad from the heady days of my celebrity of hence. Please watch me do fuck all for weeks on end and eat bugs in the jungle and Then, if you'd be so kind Get Me Out Of Here so I can marry a "co-star" and dominate the tabloid press and then cover a Disney song.' Then press your red button.

"REALITY TV KILLED THE SITCOM STAR."

Which it undoubtedly did. No channel wants to fund any sitcoms anymore because they're already guaranteed money from audiences who, under no uncertainty, WILL watch Big Brother and all it's sister shows on E4, More4, E4+1, B4+72, 4play, Cam4, G4, 4Teen...

And Reality involves the absolute minimum of work; no writers etc.. so they cost less to make but bring in heaps more money. Which is why great shows like Green Wing are dwarved viewing-figure-wise and subsequently dropped because, like Channel 4 said; "Not pulling enough and are not worth in making further series."

So, I have to say I feel that anyone who watches any of that mince is a hypocrite to call themselves a serious fan of any sitcom. And the people who want more than one series "really badly" and still 'switch over to ITV2' or 'press the red button' are even worse.

It's always going to be that way; a great show comes along and it'll last a series. If that.

And it's because of you idiots watching the shite. You sold out, and now you're condemning us to a future of lazy, monotonous, money-hungry, 'interactive', manipulating, bully-culture tripe.

Soon there won't be any actors or anyone for you to 'admire' for tv, let alone writers...

Think about it, viewing public. Yes, that's you.

What sparked me off on this rant was a sort of throwaway comment in a certain women's magazine (More) which happened to be sitting in the bathroom at the time of my visit.

The Nation's 'much-loved' reject of that 'parasite of sanity', 'Big Brother' - Nikki (of shagging the winner with that inane stutter fame) has her own column. I figured I'd read it because it was there and I knew I'd get something out of it to rant about.

The Column read thusly:

"I'm sick of people slagging off Jordan. She's a great mum, wife and role model. I hope her and lovely Peter are together forever and have lots more gorgeous babies. If I had half the success of Jordan I'd be over the moon - she's my idol."

Nikki: Essex-Based Confucius.

Now. I see many problems with above commentage. Firstly; this is coming from the girl who dominated the tabloids for a good few months of our lives, wearing things like bunny girl costumes and whining and whinging like a fucking petulant, spoiled child. Lets get this straight; I do not like this girl. I would like to stick drawing pins in her pupils. Christ, she'd make me want to stick pins in my own eyes and drink camel piss if I didn't have such a feeling of self worth and intelligence when I look at her.

Anyway, back to her comments; lets start from the beginning and take it apart, bit by bit.

"She's a great mum, wife and role model." - Words fucking fail me. Jordan's an obsessive for plastic surgery and wants MORE to make herself 'feel better'. She's got her tits out all over the shop. She met her husband in the jungle on 'I'm a Twat, Love Me, Britain!' Her children are by Dwight Yorke and Peter Andre. I'll go to hell if I say anymore on that account. But I will say this; one of them looks like a gorilla. That is, the children. Not...well. I see your point.

"I hope her and lovely Peter are together forever and have lots more gorgeous babies." - Firstly; 'Lovely Peter' is not the phrase I instantly adhere to Andre's image. 'Fucking annoying Peter with more pecs than Brain Cells' is probably more apt. And 'Gorgeous Babies'?! Well - she did fall in 'reality tv luff' with the punk-wannabe-and-offensively-unpleasant-on-the-eyes tourette's sufferer.* I suppose gorillas are cute to some folk.

"If I had half the success of Jordan I'd be over the moon." - You mean, if you had half her cup size? That seems to be her fame. All in one wonderbra.


*Not that I'm shallow. He's a fucking idiot aswell.

Geometrically Loaded Films are go!

Okay, I know they're not strictly portfolio-ish...but they can be used to show in my folio how images can be taken and used in totally different contexts to be different things, and drawing on aspects that the original edit wouldn't have shown.

Anyway. Obsessed though I am, I still think they're quite good.

Enjoy my three Green Wing film trailers...

'HUZZAH!' for the Virgin Birth.

I have just had the best news in work. Because of Kim's maternity leave coming up in just over 3 weeks, I'll be contracted for her Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday backshifts, my own Sunday backshift, and have ten floating hours for Financial Services.

Where's the Saturday early on that list, eh?

NOWHERE, that's where! Elaine's taking it. So I have 32+ hours contract, and can go jiggin' on a Friday night. Roll on baby Leadbetter. You are my saviour.

On the downside, Dad's been told the Army's coming in to take over his and the depot's job so that means he, and all his colleagues are out. Well, I say downside, but the place has made him depressed and a greetin' whinin' whingin' arsehole. and the pay's shit for working along with bombs and nuclear subs. So all the better. Looks like both Mummy and Daddy will be on flexible hours and self-employed. And free to give Jennifer lifts to work and places and suchlike.




*salutes the MoD* You bunch of inbred twats!




All in all, it's been a good day and I think things are on the up at last. I even got given a phone in work so people can contact me!

I know, I know. The littlest things...

Is it just me, or is everything shit?

I don't think I've ever read a book before which clichédly "made me laugh, cry...it changed my life."

Actually, it didn't change my life, (as I have, already, rather a jaded perception of society) but it made me cry laughing. I listened to the audiobook last night, the one which the ever-brilliant pair of British gems Stephen Mangan and Julian Rhind-Tutt were narrating.

Most notable points would be designer baby clothes. "Dahlin, Let's get this designer baby grow for £50 that it'll probably grow out of tomorrow afternoon." "Dahlin, I'm quite bored of the baby now. We've had it for eight weeks now...so can we drop it off at..like a charity shop or something? Like with shoes?"

Also: "D is for Il Divo. Italian for 'The Divvs'."

I feel like I've found my bible.

Friday Night with the TV. Again.

I love my Saturdays off. They always seem to land on the weeks that everyone's busy/can't be bothered/just don't want to spend time with me.

One more night in won't kill me; it'll just clarify to all and sundry that I'm a complete recluse.